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Lavender

by RUINER

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1.
BETTER, MAN. 01:15
I’m getting used to the new routine, the constant lack and the sway of things. Sometimes I forget that we laid you down to rest but I saw you in your casket, kissed your head and then I left. I've been just fine. I’m sleeping at night. I’ve been alright but I’ve been better, man. I've been just fine. I’m eating alright. I’ve been just fine but I’ve been better, man.
2.
HOME ALONE 02:49
Maybe I don’t want to go. Maybe I’ll just stay at home and get stoned because maybe I don’t want to talk about how it felt like a six month long comedown. I was the drunk at your wake and I would’ve cried the whole way home had my son not been on the back seat... had my eyes not been on road. Ain’t that how it goes. Maybe I don’t want to go. Maybe I’ll just stay at home alone because maybe I don’t want to talk about how it felt. I don’t want to know. Back on my bullshit. Fuck the world. I want to be alone, I don’t need that noise. Fuck the he said, she said. I don’t want to talk for the sake of talking. Back to my bullshit. Fuck the world. I want to be alone, I need the void. Fuck the new tech. Fuck the boys. I don’t want to talk for the sake of talking.
3.
LAVENDER 03:30
I see you in the garden planting sorrel in tyres and I bitch until the evening about the cuts on my delicate hands. I see you planting flowers ...a bed full of lavender... in the early spring/summer. It’s a smell that I never could stand. I see you in the kitchen; you’re plating up something for me and my sisters. All your rings on the windowsill and I see you cutting flowers ...a vase of hydrangea... in the Indian summer. I’d have helped but you never would ask. I’m feeling low. Just tell me it’s all in my head. Maybe I’m just too stoned again. I’m feeling low but maybe I’m just too stoned again.

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released June 30, 2022

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